Will you still love me when I'm no longer young and beautiful?

Where to begin and where to end, what to say and what not to say.

I'm definitely doing better than when I wrote in my last post.  I think my meds are finally doing me justice.  Next Saturday will make it a four months since I've had a car.  It still drains on me and makes me feel like a drain on my friends.  The good news is that my best friend Rachel took me to the DMV last month and I got my license back, I haven't driven much but when I get to it's nice.  I miss being able to get in my car and drive with the windows down and the music up being able to sing at the top of my lungs. 

I still never found out what happened with the guy I was seeing.  It's been 5 weeks since I've really heard from him.  Randomly yesterday I received a text from him asking how I was doing and if I wasn't busy if I'd like to hang out.  I didn't reply.  He never replied to me when he disappeared off the face of the earth.  I don't feel that it's okay to call me when he pleases and expect that I will come running. I'm not weak like that.

Part of what has made me strong is that I've been hanging out with Steve quite a bit.  My tattoo artist that I've had a crush on since I met him.  The first time we hung out he was having a bad day, he had to sell his truck to pay bills because of his ex screwing him over.  He picked me up and took me to one of the local piers late at night.  It was fun and nice and exciting.  He showed me what lights were what piers.  He held my hand as we walked back to the car.  Then he brought me home and picked up some tattooing supplies I had for him and he played with Mayhem for a bit.  I had an amazing time.  So simple yet so serene.
The second time we hung out he took me to his house and we had fun, that's all I have to say about that night.  But since then we have had plenty of sleepovers and he's taken me fishing and taken me to work with him.  He buys me food when we're out and about. 
I really enjoy being around him and I'd like to see where things go, but I'm terribly afraid to rush it for his sake and mine. 
I've actually starting building a website for him, it's my first time doing anything like this but so far it's looking pretty good and I'm moving right along.

I went on vacation with my family.  My mom paid for me to go to Florida with them.  I had a fantastic time while I was there and got to experience so many things, it was incredible.  I got to interact with many different animals.  I got to feed some colorful birds that liked to sit on my hat, I got to feed kangaroos, hold an alligator, feed the dolphins, and play with the stingrays. 

Since right before I left for Florida things were on edge between Rich and myself.  Since he's been seeing Beth and I've been seeing Steve he's basically been an asshole to me.  I feel like I never want to come home or be here if he's here.  I had a feeling he wasn't going to renew the lease in August.  He told me today that he was going to sign for an additional 3 months.  He kind of hinted at wondering where I was going to go.  I told him I planned on living out of my car and if that was the case I wouldn't be able to take Mayhem with me.  I teared up for the first time since douche bag stopped talking to me.  I've kind of accepted the fact that Mayhem isn't going to be my dog, that I'm going to be living out of my car again and that's ok, I think.

I see pretty girls everywhere I go....except in the mirror

So I've crashed again....

I was so happy and feeling good and now I feel like jumping off a bridge.
I was seeing a guy for almost two months and this past weekend I haven't heard a word from him.  I definitely feel like this has been the catalyst for my crash.  I have no idea what went wrong. 

So this has caused a whole bunch of pent up feelings to come to the surface.  My dad always used to tell me I wasn't good enough and that no one would ever love me.  I feel like he was right.  I feel like I can never do enough or give enough of myself, especially after Justin.  Even when things were good between Rich and myself his complaint was that I never truly gave myself to him.  I was never cuddly enough or whatever.  For Justin I was never skinny enough. 

Just never enough.

The other issue that has come to the surface is that I'm not worthy.  Every guy I've dated seems to get over me extremely quickly.  Even my first boyfriend when I was 13, he broke up with me for the potential of other girls that he would meet in high school.  Justin has found some young pretty girl for himself.  Brian never gave a shit about me.  Scott got over me in the flip of a coin.  Rich always said he loved me immensely and he's already found a new love.  And who knows why Alan just stopped talking to me.

I feel alone all the time.  I barely have any friends, and of those friends I feel like none of them are there for me the way I try to be for them.  I just don't want to spend my life alone. 

Just heartbroken </3

Two Shots of Tequila on Easter Night

I haven't written in a while.  I've been busy with life I guess.  I find the need to write tonight because I'm stressed.  I did the best I could to unwind tonight, hence the two shot of tequila, but I still feel like crying. 

Tomorrow I'm going to therapy with my mom.  I don't know what I'm going to say to her to help myself, so I figured maybe if I write about the way I feel it'll sort out everything before I go tomorrow.  I'm not upset about the fact that she didn't want me to move in.  It's really difficult to see life's plan for the future when everything is so real in the present.  If I had moved in with her and all the crap with losing my license had happened I would have been screwed with no way to get to work.  I think what hurt the most was her reason.  She told me that because when I was younger, the whole two years I lived with her, it was like they had to walk on egg shells.  I know what she's talking about.  I was moody, and my moods were unpredictable.  It just hurt that she was holding the fact that I was undiagnosed bipolar against me.  I wish she would accept me for who I am and what I fight against daily.  It feels as though despite the fact that I've been diagnosed by four different doctors, she refuses to accept it.  It's hard enough dealing with everyday things that happen, but I always feel like the person who should love and support me the most isn't there for me.  I know she thinks because I'm 28 I should have my shit together, and maybe I should, but I don't. And everything seems so scary.  Maybe I'm too soft of a person.  There are so many things from my past that haunt me and affect me to this day and many of those things are due to her actions when I was younger.  I wish that I could erase all the painful memories and that that would be what I need to move forward in life.  I also wish that I didn't feel the need for her approval to feel happy and successful in life.

I talked to Justin the other day.  He needed my SSN in order to file his taxes.  He told me that he got a new puppy, a pitbull.  He also mentioned something about being angry all winter long because he thought I cancelled the insurance.  That comment made me furious.  I called my mom the next day and asked her about filing the divorce because I just can't take it anymore.  I don't want to have to ever hear his voice again or see him or anything.  For the first time I wish that I had been smarter and not stayed with him in the beginning.  I'm always going to have issues because of the way he treated me.  I'm never going to feel like I'm good enough for anyone.  Then after all that, the phone call and all the feelings, I did something stupid.  I went on his Facebook to "stalk" him.  He's dating an 18 year old.  He always had a thing for young girls.  I remember the time I caught him texting with a 15 year old hood rat that was always at the shop.  She looks like me, if I weighed 80 lbs and looked like an anorexic wreck.  I know its not right, but I hope he always fails in life and struggles.

On a much, much lighter note....
I've started seeing someone.  I was on Plenty of Fish for what seemed like forever, and I found nothing but losers and the people that had potential didn't live up to it when I went out with them.  I was at the point where I was ready to delete my profile and forget about it.  I checked my email and I saw that Doughpounder wanted to meet me.  I instantly knew that it was somebody from Mark's.  No other pizza place calls it dough pounding.  I had received notes from two other guys that I  knew through Mark's that were Justin's friends.  But I really had no interested in them other than catching up.  So my curiosity was definitely peaked and I went to check my account to see who it was.  It was Alan, I had worked with him at the Walworth store forever ago, probably when I was about 19 maybe 20.  I remember that I had a crush on him when he started.  He was sort of a playboy so I steered clear of him and I was also with Justin at the time.  We started messaging back and forth and then texting and made plans to hang out.  We went to TC Hooligans and had drinks and talked and then ended up going back to his house to hang out.  I was trying really hard to hold off on the sexual thing, but it's such an important part of a relationship to me I couldn't.  He was amazing!  So we talked a bit about what we were looking for.  I told him I wanted to find my best friend to be my lover and that I was a bit of a hopeless romantic and he said he felt the same way.  We talked about taking things slow and so far things have been great.  We text every day, even if it's just good morning, have a great day and a good night text.  He tells me I'm beautiful all the time and it makes me feel special. 

So that's where things are now, and I feel much better after talking about Alan and I'm gonna try to get some sleep before tomorrow.  Wish me luck!

Love sometimes comes like a dream and leaves like a nightmare

If I had a warning label that was bright yellow and had bold printed letters on it for all to see it would say

"Don't Fall In Love With This Girl"

It's not because I think I'm horrible person.  I'm not, I try to be the best person I can be.  But I know myself and everyday I learn and understand more about myself. 

The idea for this post comes from my roommate, the one who the other day professed his undying love for me.  I wish he could understand that I do appreciate everything he does for me.  He's helped me immensely the past few years since I left my husband and he's always been there for me even when I haven't had anyone else.  But I don't feel the same way for him as he does for me.

 The back story between us is a long one, but it's necessary to understand where we are now.  I met his brother when I was 17 and at that time he was very involved with this girl.  I thought he was going to marry her, there was no doubt in my mind and I never saw him as more that my friends older brother.  When I was 18 I ended up working at Target with him. He always gave me shit and picked on me and whatnot.  I started going out with him and his harem of female friends clubbing and whatnot.  We often ended up back at his apartment where I would sleep in his brothers room or on the couch.  It's been 11 years and we're still friends.

 So somewhere along the lines we had lunch at Red Robin, I remember it like it was yesterday.  I was having a lot of trouble with my marriage and my life in general and I said to him that all I wanted was to get away from everything and everyone.  That was all it took, he paid for me to go to Mexico.  I went in April 2010 and spent 9 days away from everything.  When I got home I told my now ex that I was done and the next day I moved in with a friend that lived in the city.  My roommate and I have been on and off since then.  

Our last endeavor of dating was initiated by me.  I was in the hospital, the psychiatric unit to be more specific.  He came to visit me every day, brought me food because they couldn't feed me according to my diet and spent every minute of every visiting hour with me.  I was there because I'm bi-polar and I was severely depressed and was the closest to committing suicide as I've ever been.  He forced me to go see my nurse practitioner and between the two of them they talked me into going to the hospital.  I don't know what made me think that being in a relationship with him would be a good idea but I decided it and instead of him realizing that it was my bi-polar coming through he went along with it.  They drastically increased my meds and then sent me home about a week later.  Things were okay for a while.  But due to the increase in meds my libido was incredibly off and I wanted nothing to do with sex or sexual contact.  He tried and tried to initiate sex and every time I shot him down he got more and more distant.  I'm sure it was due to the feelings of rejection.  It got so bad that we were like ships passing in the night.  No communication. No nothing.  I finally got the courage to ask my mother if I could move in with her, she rejected me, but that's another story for another time.  I was so depressed from that rejection.  He finally asked me what was wrong and I came clean about how I was feeling and how I wanted to move in with my mother and so on and so forth.  He was understanding, I moved back into my bedroom and the equilibrium was right once again.

Until this week....

Like I said the other day he confessed his feelings for me.  But he also explained that he had asked me not to date anyone because he was too jealous and it upset him to know I was with someone else.  He came down on me hard for talking to one of my fire fighter friends that I know through Rachel.  One of his favorite things to say to me is that he's not stupid and he knows everything that goes on.  Too bad I know better.  He thought I was dating said fire fighter and had some big story built up in his head.  I came back and told him how it was, we weren't dating, I've never been to his house and so on.  He was shocked, but really he has no idea with what I deal within the bi-polar and my many other issues. 

I was in the bath soaking to help with the stress.  He came in and started talking to me.  He presented the fact that there was a fix for all of my problems.  He could put me on his bank account and he could buy me a car and put it in his name.  But we would have to be serious and get married.   Lets just say the bath and the wine were unable to do their jobs.   The end of the conversation went sort of to the effect that he didn't need an answer right away but he would need one soon.  Give me a break!! Every time we've dated it's ended horribly.  Yea I could marry him and fix my current problems, but how long would it last until I asked for a divorce.  He doesn't like to listen to what I say to him.  I've told him in the past I'm not attracted to him but I don't know, maybe he thinks I'm lying?

As I finish unfinished things....

I'm not sure where I left off, but I'll start where I'm at and go from there.

This has been one of the hardest weeks of my life thus far.  My ex-husband text me this week and asked me if I had been in a car accident because he went to get new insurance and they were telling him he had an accident on his record.  This text struck me as odd because we had a deal where he would pay the insurance for me as long as we stayed on the same insurance to keep his rates down due to his horrible driving record and my phenomenal driving record.  So as I attempted to get a hold of him I called the insurance company.  I quickly found out that I haven't had insurance since August 23rd, 2012.  I never received notification from the DMV that I was having any kind of issue with my papers or whatnot.  I finally got in touch with my ex and he told me that he thought I had gotten new insurance and that's why he got kicked off of our policy together.  I attempted to call the DMV and that was a serious joke in itself.  If you call the number listed on the website you are immediately transferred to a recording telling you that the call volume is too high and to try again later.  I finally got a hold of someone through the insurance department and the guy told me that both my license and registration were suspended but he didn't know anything else. Great!

The next day I went with my roommate downtown to a dealership that I knew of in an attempt to trade my truck in and get another car in his name that I would pay for.  That was an epic fail.  On the way there I was being very cautious of cops due to the fact that I was driving on a suspended everything.  Of course less than 1/2 a mile away from the dealership I was pulled over by a city cop.  She came up to the window and asked me how I was doing.  I replied that I was having a horrible day and she asked why.  I proceeded to explain to her my situation and that I knew I was driving when I shouldn't be.  She ran my license and then told me that because I was being honest and trying to fix the situation she wasn't going to write me a ticket.  It made my day that there is still some good in the world.  Once we got to the dealership they tried to offer me $1000 for my truck, which wouldn't even pay it off and then asked for $3500 down on the car I was looking at. HA! My ass, KBB listed my truck with the miles it had on it for trade in value of $3900 and retail value of $7000.  We left and stopped at a parking lot around the block so that I could call my old mechanic.  I asked him if he would be interested in buying my truck for $2400, the amount I owed on it.  He asked if it was in good working condition and I told him it was, just that it needed new tires and an oil change.  He said bring it on down!

The next day my roommate and I ventured the hour and fifteen minute drive down to Canandaigua on back roads.  My mechanic took a quick look at my truck and told me to take all the paperwork into the office for his mom to go through everything, sent out one of his minions to take the plates off for me and that was that.  I didn't cry like I thought I was going to.  I took a picture and posted it on facebook for final closure.  We went up to the DMV so I could turn in my plates and find out how incredibly screwed I was.  I sat down with one of the ladies at the little desks and started figuring things out.  Come to find out my license is suspended until May 21st and I can't register a vehicle until August 23rd.  I can file for a restricted license which will allow me to drive to and from work and doctor appointments and that would cost me a little less than $80 and then when my suspension is up I have to pay $50 to lift the suspension.  But due to how long its been since I haven't had insurance I am not allowed to pay the $1000 fines to have the right to register a car again, I just have to wait.  So overall not too bad.  I thought I was going to have to pay thousands and thousands of dollars to the state to fix this situation. 

So I guess I'm the asshole...typical

This week has been hell for me.  Between last night and today I'm ready to jump off of a bridge.  I think I'm tired of candy coating things for people, I have full intentions of posting this blog on Facebook every time I write.  What can it hurt? If anything people will know how I really feel and if they don't like it there's not much I can do about it if I really feel that way.  Maybe it will help me get things off of my chest and I won't have to pay so much for therapy that doesn't seem to get me anywhere anyways.

If you know me well, then you'll know about the things I write about.  If you don't I guess this could open up your eyes.  Or maybe I just like talking about myself.  Either way...

So last week was tough, I finished out the week with 68 hours.  I work at Edible Arrangements, if you've never heard of them you should look them up  www.ediblearrangements.com .  Since last week was Valentine's Day we were inevitably busy.  I like that our busy times come and go.  We hire seasonal and it gives me a chance to meet new people and so on.  I did pretty well through the holiday, I think I only cried twice.  The reasons were insignificant, due to exhaustion and I can't even remember what they were, so overall a good holiday week.  I signed myself up for a massage on my first day off.  I had knots in my back that were killing me.  It was my first professional massage and I went to Massage Envy.  It wasn't bad for $39. But that was an introductory rate, it goes up to $78 after that, not worth it!

I had the next day off as well.  I spent it moving all of my stuff from my bedroom to the dining room, which is where I dwell now.  I have a new roommate moving in as of Friday.  I was more than understanding when I was told that we're getting a new roommate, I don't pay rent and he will so he deserves to get the room.  It's whats fair and I don't really mind. It was a lot of work to move everything and I realized that I have a lot of crap.  Mostly clothes, art supplies and tattoo equipment.  I don't use any of it, other than my clothes and I have a particular set of clothes that I love to wear.

Seeing as how all of that was last week, I'm sure you're wondering what the hell has been so bad about this week.....I will tell you now.

Last night my roommate and best friend of ten years told me that he still isn't over me.  I wish I could understand or explain why I can't reciprocate the feelings to someone who has unconditionally loved and cared for me for so long.  I just don't know the answer.