Love sometimes comes like a dream and leaves like a nightmare

If I had a warning label that was bright yellow and had bold printed letters on it for all to see it would say

"Don't Fall In Love With This Girl"

It's not because I think I'm horrible person.  I'm not, I try to be the best person I can be.  But I know myself and everyday I learn and understand more about myself. 

The idea for this post comes from my roommate, the one who the other day professed his undying love for me.  I wish he could understand that I do appreciate everything he does for me.  He's helped me immensely the past few years since I left my husband and he's always been there for me even when I haven't had anyone else.  But I don't feel the same way for him as he does for me.

 The back story between us is a long one, but it's necessary to understand where we are now.  I met his brother when I was 17 and at that time he was very involved with this girl.  I thought he was going to marry her, there was no doubt in my mind and I never saw him as more that my friends older brother.  When I was 18 I ended up working at Target with him. He always gave me shit and picked on me and whatnot.  I started going out with him and his harem of female friends clubbing and whatnot.  We often ended up back at his apartment where I would sleep in his brothers room or on the couch.  It's been 11 years and we're still friends.

 So somewhere along the lines we had lunch at Red Robin, I remember it like it was yesterday.  I was having a lot of trouble with my marriage and my life in general and I said to him that all I wanted was to get away from everything and everyone.  That was all it took, he paid for me to go to Mexico.  I went in April 2010 and spent 9 days away from everything.  When I got home I told my now ex that I was done and the next day I moved in with a friend that lived in the city.  My roommate and I have been on and off since then.  

Our last endeavor of dating was initiated by me.  I was in the hospital, the psychiatric unit to be more specific.  He came to visit me every day, brought me food because they couldn't feed me according to my diet and spent every minute of every visiting hour with me.  I was there because I'm bi-polar and I was severely depressed and was the closest to committing suicide as I've ever been.  He forced me to go see my nurse practitioner and between the two of them they talked me into going to the hospital.  I don't know what made me think that being in a relationship with him would be a good idea but I decided it and instead of him realizing that it was my bi-polar coming through he went along with it.  They drastically increased my meds and then sent me home about a week later.  Things were okay for a while.  But due to the increase in meds my libido was incredibly off and I wanted nothing to do with sex or sexual contact.  He tried and tried to initiate sex and every time I shot him down he got more and more distant.  I'm sure it was due to the feelings of rejection.  It got so bad that we were like ships passing in the night.  No communication. No nothing.  I finally got the courage to ask my mother if I could move in with her, she rejected me, but that's another story for another time.  I was so depressed from that rejection.  He finally asked me what was wrong and I came clean about how I was feeling and how I wanted to move in with my mother and so on and so forth.  He was understanding, I moved back into my bedroom and the equilibrium was right once again.

Until this week....

Like I said the other day he confessed his feelings for me.  But he also explained that he had asked me not to date anyone because he was too jealous and it upset him to know I was with someone else.  He came down on me hard for talking to one of my fire fighter friends that I know through Rachel.  One of his favorite things to say to me is that he's not stupid and he knows everything that goes on.  Too bad I know better.  He thought I was dating said fire fighter and had some big story built up in his head.  I came back and told him how it was, we weren't dating, I've never been to his house and so on.  He was shocked, but really he has no idea with what I deal within the bi-polar and my many other issues. 

I was in the bath soaking to help with the stress.  He came in and started talking to me.  He presented the fact that there was a fix for all of my problems.  He could put me on his bank account and he could buy me a car and put it in his name.  But we would have to be serious and get married.   Lets just say the bath and the wine were unable to do their jobs.   The end of the conversation went sort of to the effect that he didn't need an answer right away but he would need one soon.  Give me a break!! Every time we've dated it's ended horribly.  Yea I could marry him and fix my current problems, but how long would it last until I asked for a divorce.  He doesn't like to listen to what I say to him.  I've told him in the past I'm not attracted to him but I don't know, maybe he thinks I'm lying?

As I finish unfinished things....

I'm not sure where I left off, but I'll start where I'm at and go from there.

This has been one of the hardest weeks of my life thus far.  My ex-husband text me this week and asked me if I had been in a car accident because he went to get new insurance and they were telling him he had an accident on his record.  This text struck me as odd because we had a deal where he would pay the insurance for me as long as we stayed on the same insurance to keep his rates down due to his horrible driving record and my phenomenal driving record.  So as I attempted to get a hold of him I called the insurance company.  I quickly found out that I haven't had insurance since August 23rd, 2012.  I never received notification from the DMV that I was having any kind of issue with my papers or whatnot.  I finally got in touch with my ex and he told me that he thought I had gotten new insurance and that's why he got kicked off of our policy together.  I attempted to call the DMV and that was a serious joke in itself.  If you call the number listed on the website you are immediately transferred to a recording telling you that the call volume is too high and to try again later.  I finally got a hold of someone through the insurance department and the guy told me that both my license and registration were suspended but he didn't know anything else. Great!

The next day I went with my roommate downtown to a dealership that I knew of in an attempt to trade my truck in and get another car in his name that I would pay for.  That was an epic fail.  On the way there I was being very cautious of cops due to the fact that I was driving on a suspended everything.  Of course less than 1/2 a mile away from the dealership I was pulled over by a city cop.  She came up to the window and asked me how I was doing.  I replied that I was having a horrible day and she asked why.  I proceeded to explain to her my situation and that I knew I was driving when I shouldn't be.  She ran my license and then told me that because I was being honest and trying to fix the situation she wasn't going to write me a ticket.  It made my day that there is still some good in the world.  Once we got to the dealership they tried to offer me $1000 for my truck, which wouldn't even pay it off and then asked for $3500 down on the car I was looking at. HA! My ass, KBB listed my truck with the miles it had on it for trade in value of $3900 and retail value of $7000.  We left and stopped at a parking lot around the block so that I could call my old mechanic.  I asked him if he would be interested in buying my truck for $2400, the amount I owed on it.  He asked if it was in good working condition and I told him it was, just that it needed new tires and an oil change.  He said bring it on down!

The next day my roommate and I ventured the hour and fifteen minute drive down to Canandaigua on back roads.  My mechanic took a quick look at my truck and told me to take all the paperwork into the office for his mom to go through everything, sent out one of his minions to take the plates off for me and that was that.  I didn't cry like I thought I was going to.  I took a picture and posted it on facebook for final closure.  We went up to the DMV so I could turn in my plates and find out how incredibly screwed I was.  I sat down with one of the ladies at the little desks and started figuring things out.  Come to find out my license is suspended until May 21st and I can't register a vehicle until August 23rd.  I can file for a restricted license which will allow me to drive to and from work and doctor appointments and that would cost me a little less than $80 and then when my suspension is up I have to pay $50 to lift the suspension.  But due to how long its been since I haven't had insurance I am not allowed to pay the $1000 fines to have the right to register a car again, I just have to wait.  So overall not too bad.  I thought I was going to have to pay thousands and thousands of dollars to the state to fix this situation. 

So I guess I'm the asshole...typical

This week has been hell for me.  Between last night and today I'm ready to jump off of a bridge.  I think I'm tired of candy coating things for people, I have full intentions of posting this blog on Facebook every time I write.  What can it hurt? If anything people will know how I really feel and if they don't like it there's not much I can do about it if I really feel that way.  Maybe it will help me get things off of my chest and I won't have to pay so much for therapy that doesn't seem to get me anywhere anyways.

If you know me well, then you'll know about the things I write about.  If you don't I guess this could open up your eyes.  Or maybe I just like talking about myself.  Either way...

So last week was tough, I finished out the week with 68 hours.  I work at Edible Arrangements, if you've never heard of them you should look them up  www.ediblearrangements.com .  Since last week was Valentine's Day we were inevitably busy.  I like that our busy times come and go.  We hire seasonal and it gives me a chance to meet new people and so on.  I did pretty well through the holiday, I think I only cried twice.  The reasons were insignificant, due to exhaustion and I can't even remember what they were, so overall a good holiday week.  I signed myself up for a massage on my first day off.  I had knots in my back that were killing me.  It was my first professional massage and I went to Massage Envy.  It wasn't bad for $39. But that was an introductory rate, it goes up to $78 after that, not worth it!

I had the next day off as well.  I spent it moving all of my stuff from my bedroom to the dining room, which is where I dwell now.  I have a new roommate moving in as of Friday.  I was more than understanding when I was told that we're getting a new roommate, I don't pay rent and he will so he deserves to get the room.  It's whats fair and I don't really mind. It was a lot of work to move everything and I realized that I have a lot of crap.  Mostly clothes, art supplies and tattoo equipment.  I don't use any of it, other than my clothes and I have a particular set of clothes that I love to wear.

Seeing as how all of that was last week, I'm sure you're wondering what the hell has been so bad about this week.....I will tell you now.

Last night my roommate and best friend of ten years told me that he still isn't over me.  I wish I could understand or explain why I can't reciprocate the feelings to someone who has unconditionally loved and cared for me for so long.  I just don't know the answer.