If I had a warning label that was bright yellow and had bold printed letters on it for all to see it would say
"Don't Fall In Love With This Girl"
It's not because I think I'm horrible person. I'm not, I try to be the best person I can be. But I know myself and everyday I learn and understand more about myself.
The idea for this post comes from my roommate, the one who the other day professed his undying love for me. I wish he could understand that I do appreciate everything he does for me. He's helped me immensely the past few years since I left my husband and he's always been there for me even when I haven't had anyone else. But I don't feel the same way for him as he does for me.
The back story between us is a long one, but it's necessary to understand where we are now. I met his brother when I was 17 and at that time he was very involved with this girl. I thought he was going to marry her, there was no doubt in my mind and I never saw him as more that my friends older brother. When I was 18 I ended up working at Target with him. He always gave me shit and picked on me and whatnot. I started going out with him and his harem of female friends clubbing and whatnot. We often ended up back at his apartment where I would sleep in his brothers room or on the couch. It's been 11 years and we're still friends.
So somewhere along the lines we had lunch at Red Robin, I remember it like it was yesterday. I was having a lot of trouble with my marriage and my life in general and I said to him that all I wanted was to get away from everything and everyone. That was all it took, he paid for me to go to Mexico. I went in April 2010 and spent 9 days away from everything. When I got home I told my now ex that I was done and the next day I moved in with a friend that lived in the city. My roommate and I have been on and off since then.
Our last endeavor of dating was initiated by me. I was in the hospital, the psychiatric unit to be more specific. He came to visit me every day, brought me food because they couldn't feed me according to my diet and spent every minute of every visiting hour with me. I was there because I'm bi-polar and I was severely depressed and was the closest to committing suicide as I've ever been. He forced me to go see my nurse practitioner and between the two of them they talked me into going to the hospital. I don't know what made me think that being in a relationship with him would be a good idea but I decided it and instead of him realizing that it was my bi-polar coming through he went along with it. They drastically increased my meds and then sent me home about a week later. Things were okay for a while. But due to the increase in meds my libido was incredibly off and I wanted nothing to do with sex or sexual contact. He tried and tried to initiate sex and every time I shot him down he got more and more distant. I'm sure it was due to the feelings of rejection. It got so bad that we were like ships passing in the night. No communication. No nothing. I finally got the courage to ask my mother if I could move in with her, she rejected me, but that's another story for another time. I was so depressed from that rejection. He finally asked me what was wrong and I came clean about how I was feeling and how I wanted to move in with my mother and so on and so forth. He was understanding, I moved back into my bedroom and the equilibrium was right once again.
Until this week....
Like I said the other day he confessed his feelings for me. But he also explained that he had asked me not to date anyone because he was too jealous and it upset him to know I was with someone else. He came down on me hard for talking to one of my fire fighter friends that I know through Rachel. One of his favorite things to say to me is that he's not stupid and he knows everything that goes on. Too bad I know better. He thought I was dating said fire fighter and had some big story built up in his head. I came back and told him how it was, we weren't dating, I've never been to his house and so on. He was shocked, but really he has no idea with what I deal within the bi-polar and my many other issues.
I was in the bath soaking to help with the stress. He came in and started talking to me. He presented the fact that there was a fix for all of my problems. He could put me on his bank account and he could buy me a car and put it in his name. But we would have to be serious and get married. Lets just say the bath and the wine were unable to do their jobs. The end of the conversation went sort of to the effect that he didn't need an answer right away but he would need one soon. Give me a break!! Every time we've dated it's ended horribly. Yea I could marry him and fix my current problems, but how long would it last until I asked for a divorce. He doesn't like to listen to what I say to him. I've told him in the past I'm not attracted to him but I don't know, maybe he thinks I'm lying?
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