I haven't written in a while. I've been busy with life I guess. I find the need to write tonight because I'm stressed. I did the best I could to unwind tonight, hence the two shot of tequila, but I still feel like crying.
Tomorrow I'm going to therapy with my mom. I don't know what I'm going to say to her to help myself, so I figured maybe if I write about the way I feel it'll sort out everything before I go tomorrow. I'm not upset about the fact that she didn't want me to move in. It's really difficult to see life's plan for the future when everything is so real in the present. If I had moved in with her and all the crap with losing my license had happened I would have been screwed with no way to get to work. I think what hurt the most was her reason. She told me that because when I was younger, the whole two years I lived with her, it was like they had to walk on egg shells. I know what she's talking about. I was moody, and my moods were unpredictable. It just hurt that she was holding the fact that I was undiagnosed bipolar against me. I wish she would accept me for who I am and what I fight against daily. It feels as though despite the fact that I've been diagnosed by four different doctors, she refuses to accept it. It's hard enough dealing with everyday things that happen, but I always feel like the person who should love and support me the most isn't there for me. I know she thinks because I'm 28 I should have my shit together, and maybe I should, but I don't. And everything seems so scary. Maybe I'm too soft of a person. There are so many things from my past that haunt me and affect me to this day and many of those things are due to her actions when I was younger. I wish that I could erase all the painful memories and that that would be what I need to move forward in life. I also wish that I didn't feel the need for her approval to feel happy and successful in life.
I talked to Justin the other day. He needed my SSN in order to file his taxes. He told me that he got a new puppy, a pitbull. He also mentioned something about being angry all winter long because he thought I cancelled the insurance. That comment made me furious. I called my mom the next day and asked her about filing the divorce because I just can't take it anymore. I don't want to have to ever hear his voice again or see him or anything. For the first time I wish that I had been smarter and not stayed with him in the beginning. I'm always going to have issues because of the way he treated me. I'm never going to feel like I'm good enough for anyone. Then after all that, the phone call and all the feelings, I did something stupid. I went on his Facebook to "stalk" him. He's dating an 18 year old. He always had a thing for young girls. I remember the time I caught him texting with a 15 year old hood rat that was always at the shop. She looks like me, if I weighed 80 lbs and looked like an anorexic wreck. I know its not right, but I hope he always fails in life and struggles.
On a much, much lighter note....
I've started seeing someone. I was on Plenty of Fish for what seemed like forever, and I found nothing but losers and the people that had potential didn't live up to it when I went out with them. I was at the point where I was ready to delete my profile and forget about it. I checked my email and I saw that Doughpounder wanted to meet me. I instantly knew that it was somebody from Mark's. No other pizza place calls it dough pounding. I had received notes from two other guys that I knew through Mark's that were Justin's friends. But I really had no interested in them other than catching up. So my curiosity was definitely peaked and I went to check my account to see who it was. It was Alan, I had worked with him at the Walworth store forever ago, probably when I was about 19 maybe 20. I remember that I had a crush on him when he started. He was sort of a playboy so I steered clear of him and I was also with Justin at the time. We started messaging back and forth and then texting and made plans to hang out. We went to TC Hooligans and had drinks and talked and then ended up going back to his house to hang out. I was trying really hard to hold off on the sexual thing, but it's such an important part of a relationship to me I couldn't. He was amazing! So we talked a bit about what we were looking for. I told him I wanted to find my best friend to be my lover and that I was a bit of a hopeless romantic and he said he felt the same way. We talked about taking things slow and so far things have been great. We text every day, even if it's just good morning, have a great day and a good night text. He tells me I'm beautiful all the time and it makes me feel special.
So that's where things are now, and I feel much better after talking about Alan and I'm gonna try to get some sleep before tomorrow. Wish me luck!
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